Isn’t that just like parenting? Sometimes it is even hard to see right in front of you! This section is dedicated to the privileges, perils and pleasures of parenting – with a bit of humor thrown in. Or should I say ALOT of humor thrown in…we gotta get through this with a bit of our sanity still in check! The following disclosure should accompany every child straight out of the womb:
WARNING – PARENTING IS A WORK OF HEART… PROCEED WITH CAUTION… A FEW THINGS YOU WERE NEVER TOLD BEFORE BECOMING A PARENT:A LEGO STEPPED ON IN THE DARK HURTS TWICE AS MUCH AS DURING THE DAY – PHENOMENA NOT KNOWN.
YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT FURNITURE WITH SHARP EDGES, POOLS, OUTLETS, AND GLASS OBJECTS THE SAME AGAIN.
YOU WILL BE ABLE TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND TO CROSS THE ROOM IF YOUR CHILD IS HOLDING A CHOKEABLE.
YOU WILL GO THROUGH MCDONALDS DRIVE-THRU TEN TIMES IN A ROW, TRYING TO GET THE “RIGHT” HAPPY MEAL TOY-THE ONE EVERYONE WANTS AND NO ONE HAS, WHILE CHASTISING YOURSELF FOR DOING SO!
YOUR KIDS WILL SAY AT LEAST ONE THING DURING THEIR CHILDHOOD THAT WILL EMBARRASS YOU – GUARANTEED!
HOWEVER, YOU WILL HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF RETURNING THE FAVOR WHEN THEY ARE TEENAGERS…YOUR MERE PRESENCE ON THIS PLANET WILL SUFFICE!
YOU WILL HAVE STAINS ON YOUR CARPET AND FURNITURE THAT HAVE NO RESEMBLANCE WHAT-SO-EVER TO ANYTHING FROM THIS PLANET.
YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FEED A FAMILY OF FIVE WITH THE CONTENTS FOUND IN YOUR WEEKLY CLEANAGE OF THE SUV (WEEKLY, I’M SO FUNNY!).
YOU WILL AT LEAST ONCE IN YOUR CHILD’S LIFETIME BE SEARCHING FOR THAT “HARD TO FIND” TOY AND WILL EXHAST ALL RESOURCES (INCLUDING YOURSELF) TO FIND IT. EBAY HAS GOT NOTH’IN ON YOU!
YOU WILL EAT A SOGGY CHEERIO (OR OTHER FOOD FROM A SLOBBERY FIST) AT SOME POINT IN YOUR CHILD’S LIFE.
YOU WILL MAKE FUNNY NOISES TO GET YOUR CHILD TO EAT SOMETHING.
YOU WILL RESORT TO BRIBERY. IT HAPPENS – WE’RE HUMAN.
YOU WILL SAY (AT LEAST ONCE – MOST LIKELY MORE), “WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE…” AND YOU WILL BE DISGUSTED WITH YOURSELF. LET IT GO.
YOU WILL (AT LEAST ONCE) DISMISS YOURSELF IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER ADULTS ANNOUNCING THAT YOU HAVE TO “GO POTTY!”
WHEN YOUR CHILD BECOMES A TEENAGER; YOU WILL SWEAR THEY ARE JUST LIKE “THE OTHER PARENT”! THEY HAVE NO RESEMBLANCE TO HUMAN LIFEFORMS WHAT-SO-EVER. MILITARY SCHOOL OR BOARDING SCHOOL BECOMES VERY ATTRACTIVE. AND IS THAT REALLY MUSIC THEY’RE LISTENING TO? COME ON. “WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE…THAT WAS REAL MUSIC…” YEP…IT’S OFFICIAL…WE ARE OLD!
BUT, MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU WILL BE STRETCHED BEYOND WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. YOU WILL FIND THE RESOURCES TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO ENSURE YOUR CHILD’S SAFETY, WELL-BEING AND CARE. YOU WILL READ MORE STORIES THAN YOU CAN REMEMBER, WIPE AWAY MORE TEARS THAN YOU YOURSELF HAVE SHED, MEND MORE BOO-BOOS WITH KISSES THAN AN EMT HAS MENDED, ATTEND MORE RECITALS, CONCERTS AND PLAYS THAN A CRITIC, EAT MORE PRETEND FOOD MADE FROM PLAY-DOUGH THAN THE JUDGES ON “CHOPPED”, REMEMBER CUTE WORDS THAT ONLY YOUR CHILD SAYS AND STILL GET CHOKED UP WHEN YOU REMEMBER THEM YEARS LATER. MOSTLY, YOU WILL LOVE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER LOVED, AND ONE DAY LOOK BACK AND SAY THAT THIS WAS THE MOST PRECIOUS TIME IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU WOULDN’T CHANGE A SINGLE THING.
